Tell Someone Else's Story - "Why I want to shoot Eugene" by Michael O'Leary, #My500Words #240

It's Micko here and I want to tell you all about my plan to eradicate the nuisance of cyclists on our roads. Day after day I have to put up with cyclists in my Bus Lane who won't get out of my way. Who do they think they are? Why should I have to put up with lycra-clad cyclists wriggling their arses at me while I am on my way to the most important job in Ireland? 

Cyclists in Dublin. Image source: The Irish Times.

Dublin City Council wants to increase the number of bikes on the capital's roads - well I say "bollocks" to that. What we really need is 24-hour a day/7-day a week dedicated traffic lanes for airline CEOs (not including Aer Lingus). These strategic lanes will be armed with face-recognition software and automated machine guns to deal with the menace of cyclists. I don't buy all that "saving the planet" tosh that they go on about. They shite on about "sharing the road" which of course is for other people, not for me. What I say is "Cyclists should be taken out and shot".

In order to make an example I have (completely at random) selected the first cyclist to be shot - that O'Loughlin fella from South Dublin. There he is (smug as shite), cycling along the Rock and Strand Roads every morning and every evening past all the cars stuck in traffic. Who does he think he is in his short trousers, sunglasses, and loud gaudy helmet and yellow jacket. High-viz me arse - who would want to see him?

O'Loughlin boasts about taking only half the time to get from his gaff to work compared to a car. Well - we'll see about that tomorrow morning. My firing squad will be waiting for him at the East Link Toll Bridge (it's very annoying that cyclists don't have to pay to cross this bridge while us gentle motorists have to cough up €1.65 every time). His bike will be tossed into the Liffey as a warning to all cyclists not to cross the river. He will be tied to the railings on the bridge, offered a Ryanair Lottery Ticket and some Duty Free, and shot immediately. The low-price firing squad will consist of six Ryanair employees skilled at detecting oversize carry-on luggage at check-in desks. To keep execution costs down, the squad will take the bus to and from Dublin Airport, and will have just one bullet each.

I pay more tax in 5 minutes than O'Loughlin does in a year. The country will be far better off without him. He will just be the first to be shot - flying (I'm so punny!) squads will shoot at least 99 cyclists every day. If there is a All-Ireland Final on or a major event happening in Dublin this will go up to 250 cyclists/day. I hope to be able to announce to the stock exchange that our target of 250,000 dead cyclists will be exceeded by the end of the year. Next year we will shoot 500,000 cyclists and continue our growth going forward.